Affliction
by ashlice
Summary: She started to turn away from him, loosening her grip on his hand as she went, getting ready to let go. Instead of obliging, James tightened his own grip. - J/L, Seventh Year. Rated T to be safe.
1. Owlery

**Author's Note - **_There is a part of me that has always, always wanted to write a James and Lily fic. I've loved them for so long, they're my favorite Harry Potter ship. This is the first HP fic I'm writing, so I'm a little nervous. But I like writing Pre-Hogwarts, I wish it were an actual book series! This is currently a one-shot, but it might become more, depending on the response it gets, or if I'm inspired to keep it going, which I feel like I will be. It's set in September of the Marauders' final year at Hogwarts, and absolutely everything mentioned about them in the books is canon here. I love the idea of James maturing, and Lily seeing that all on her own._

_On a side note, the vast majority of my readers are waiting to see if I will continue with the Twilight fic I abandoned years ago. To all of you who may be reading this, don't be alarmed because I've written something new. This is currently a one-shot, and if it does turn out to be more, me continuing Eighty Years has nothing to do with this story. It has to do with you guys!_

**Disclaimer: **_I obviously don't own Harry Potter. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction._

He spots her crying and is at a total loss for words. He spots her crying and questions whether or not it's a good to ask what's wrong. He spots her crying, her chest heaving, glorious red hair in her face, and he realizes that he must go over there, whether or not it's a good idea.

He opens his mouth to say "Evans", but instead it comes out as "Lily?"

She looks up at him questioningly, the area around her eyes red and puffy, tears still streaming. But the sobs that made her body rock and shiver had subsided. She looks away from him, studies her surroundings, looking like she has no idea where she is. Finding herself sitting on he steps in front of the Owlery, she stands up and attempts to walk down the steps, but stumbles and has to grip the side of the wall for support.

James Potter rushes up the few steps between them, closing the gap. He'd been heading up there to deliver a letter to his mother when he came across Lilly Evans sobbing. Or rather, he heard her before he even came across her. She wasn't doing a very good job of keeping quiet.

"Lily." This time it wasn't a question. He was one step beneath her, but still taller than she was. She didn't look up to meet his eyes. "Lily, what's wrong?" Somehow, it seemed wrong to use her surname at a time like this. And still, she refused to speak or look at him.

A few moments went by. Then, he tried again. "What are you doing up here? Are you hurt or something?" This was stupid. This was so, so stupid. Of course she was not physically hurt, that was a different kind of crying. The crying Lily had been doing was agonizing, the kind that came from deep inside your bones, rattled you to the core.

This thought made him slightly panicky, and just when he was about to threaten to carry her to the hospital wing, because it was all he could think to do, she looked up at him.

"My sister is getting married next week. I didn't even know she'd been engaged. I didn't even know she'd had a serious boyfriend. My mother just sent me a letter, saying she thought I'd known." Her voice, normally full of confidence, was dull and quiet. Her words were a mumbled mess that he strained his ears to hear clearly. The worst part was when she looked at him. Her eyes had never looked so bleak.

"Oh." What a stupid thing to say. This was even worse than when he asked her if she'd been hurt. He bit down on his bottom lip, thoughts racing, trying to figure out what to say. "I take it you're not very close with-with your sister?"

She blinked twice, rapidly, as if she were just noticing that he was there for the first time.

"I should go." was all she said. This time, her voice was more certain. She tried to move past him, but he held out his hand and reached for the first thing he could hold on to, which just happened be her hand. The shock in her eyes was just as blatant as it was in his.

"I'm not going to force you to open up and tell me what's wrong. This is obviously very private and personal, and we haven't always been the best of friends." He paused, gave her hand a light squeeze to let her know that he wasn't going to be rude. Surprisingly, she didn't pull her hand away.

"Okay?" She looked confused, used her other hand to wipe away the tears that were still coming.

"But that kind of sobbing, it's not okay. Don't hold everything you're feeling inside, until you explode like that." A warm September breeze blew by, swirling the hems of their school robes lightly. "You know where to find me if you need to talk to someone. Believe it or not, I'm an excellent listener."

They were silent for another minute, fingers still intertwined, neither of them daring to move. Then she spoke, and her voice was quieter than ever.

"You called me Lily."

"That is your name, isn't it?"

She shook her head, a chuckle escaping her. He grinned, loving that it was because of him. "I didn't realize you knew my first name." She said, the corners of her mouth twitching, fighting a smile.

They both looked down at their hands at the same time, then back at each other.

"You haven't let go." James regretted his words as soon as he spoke them, dreading that she might let go of his hand once he brought it up.

A pregnant pause, and then some more words out of her. The tears had finally stopped. "It's comforting. You're really warm." She blushed scarlet, shook her head again. "Thank you." She started to turn away from him, loosening her grip on his hand as she went, getting ready to let go. Instead of obliging, James tightened his own grip.

She stopped, looked back up at him. They were standing on the same step now, only a few inches separating their bodies. She raised an eyebrow. He in turn raised his wand. Silently, he moved it across each of her eyes, reducing the swelling and redness. She realized what he was doing, and this time she really did smile.

"Wouldn't do to have people prying into your private life. That's why it's called your _private _life. Red eyes would have provoked questions. Lily Evans is too strong to cry, according to everyone." He said, tucking his wand back into his robes.

"I thought I was." She replied, using her free hand to touch the spots where his wand had just been.

His eyes softened at those words, and so did his voice when he spoke. "Crying doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you're honest with yourself."

Her eyes widened slightly, mouth agape. On most, this would not have been an attractive face. But on her, James couldn't help but find it very, very cute.

"I really should get going. And I'm sure you're not here just to stare at the owls or watch me cry, so I shouldn't keep you from your mail." She squeezed his hand in thanks, finally pulling her own away. His hand felt cold, naked without hers in it. She turned her back to him, proceeding to walk quickly down the steps, her red mane flying behind her. This time, she didn't stumble.

He watched her go, a feeling of longing building in his chest. It was a feeling he'd buried in his fifth year, a feeling he'd hoped and prayed would never, ever resurface. He ran his now free hand through his messy hair in frustration, probably making it even messier. She'd looked so fragile, and he couldn't help admiring it even more than he admired her when she looked so strong, which was every time he saw her except this one time.

He sent his letter and was on his way back to the castle, thinking over and over again about how she seemed just as reluctant to let go of his hand as he was to let go of hers.


	2. Petty

**Author's Note - **_So. A second chapter, oh my. I really did like this as a stand alone one-shot, but I'd already written this chapter and I liked it. It's a slow build, but I enjoy that with Lily and James fics. And I much prefer L/J angst to anything else. I thought I had accidentally forgot to save this chapter when I wrote it, and freaked out but I found it and decided that it fit nicely and I would use it. I already wrote the third chapter, which was the inspiration for the one-shot in the first place. So, if I keep getting such good reviews (thank you to those of you who reviwed), I'll gladly post the chapter right away._

_By the way, I'm not totally sure how I'm going to alternate POV's. I much prefer writing James to writing Lily, but we have to get both sides of the story, right? I feel like I do better job getting in James' head then I do with Lily._

Thunder roared as Lily Evans made her way down to the Great Hall. She sighed to herself sadly, her plans to catch up on some of her schoolwork while sprawled across a nice sunny patch of grass were ruined. Nothing seemed to be going right for her these days. She walked through the open doors of the great hall, the sounds of her classmates and the smells of various breakfast foods hit her all at the same time.

It wasn't as though she took notice of any of it though. No, these days Lily had taken to doing things by herself. She quite liked this, and wasn't feeling lonely at all. Her friends were worried, but she just found them rather annoying instead of comforting. They knew her too well, she didn't want to deal with their questions anyway.

As she sat down, she could feel a piece of paper digging into her side. It seemed like it was burning her, but she ignored it. She would not take the paper out. It felt heavy in her pocket, though it practically weighed nothing. No. She would not remove it, ever. It was a reminder of just how badly she'd screwed up her family. She hadn't even been invited to Petunia's wedding. And Petunia's excuse? _"Must've slipped my mind Lily."_

It seemed like Lily slipped from Petunia's mind in general. The wedding was this upcoming weekend and Lily hadn't even met the man her sister was marrying. She suspected that Petunia was embarrassed to introduce her into her sane, ordinary world. Somehow, this thought stung more than everything else.

She was suddenly very aware of someone calling her name. She looked up to see that James Potter had taken the available seat right beside her. Seats beside Lily were always available because everyone knew to back off when she got like this. But they had no idea, this time it was much, much different.

"Did you want something?" She asked him, not really looking at him. She didn't care enough to have a real conversation with anyone, but she still had manners.

"Um, I just wanted to say hello. You know, see how you were doing." He sounded pained. She looked up and met his eyes. He looked sheepish, and he was slightly pink. Not his usual cocky self.

"I'd say that I'm fine, but I don't like to lie." She replied. Her lips came together in a hard line, and she studied him intently, trying to figure out his intentions.

He seemed at a complete loss for what to say. He opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. This time, a coherent sentence finally came out. "I know I'm not the best at this comforting thing, and I know it's not my place to be worried. But I'm the only one who saw the state you were in that day Lily."

She cocked her head to one side, eyes narrowing. He had one elbow propped up on the table, and he was leaning into it. His shoulders were tense, and she noticed that he also happened to be sitting as far away from her as a lack of space permitted him to.

"What's your point?"

He sighed. Apparently, he'd prepared himself for this. He'd known she'd be difficult.

"I know that everyone's been trying to figure out what's wrong with you. And everyone's been pestering you, trying to get you to talk about your feelings. And I'm not going to lie either, I think you will have to confront those feelings. But I was thinking maybe you'd like to talk about anything but what's really going on. Maybe you need to get out of your own head for a little while." He'd sped up towards the end, and had to take a big breath once he was finished. He smiled warmly at her, but his body was still tense.

Lily turned to stare at her empty plate, mulling his words over. She wasn't really sure what he was offering, but she couldn't help agreeing with him. She dropped her head, letting her hair fan out between her and James. She couldn't think while he stared at her. He was waiting for her to say something, she knew he was. She didn't want to just get up and leave him there, which is what she normally would have done. She couldn't do that to him, not after their moment in front of the Owlery.

"Lily?"

She looked up, pushing her hair out of her face. "It's still weird to hear you use my first name. Why the change? I thought you were more partial to Evans."

He ran a hand through that impossible hair of his and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm trying not to be a prat this year." And in that one moment, Lily knew that she was not speaking to the same boy she'd known for over six years now. He sounded more honest than anyone ever had to her, and she was completely surprised by his words.

She shook her head, red locks cascading back into her face. "What is with you these days?" She asked him.

"I could ask you the same thing." He paused, relaxed his shoulders, and continued. "But I'm not going to ask you that. Instead, I'm going to ask you if you could please help me with my Transfiguration essay."

Now this, she was not expecting at all. "You're here to ask me for help with an essay in a subject you know much more about than I do?"

He blushed slightly, letting out a genuine laugh. It was a pleasant sound, slightly hiccupy and loud. She liked it.

"So you know." He said matter-of-factly.

"Yes, I know that you can transfigure into a stag. I saw you do it once, last year. You were with Sirius. He turned into a dog. Looked sort of like the Grimm to be quite honest." She pursed her lips, a smile forming at the edges of her mouth. "I was the one who stole your clothes."

His eyes widened. "That was you? We got two months worth of detentions for walking up to castle without any clothes! We tried to summon some robes, but Filch had decided to patrol the grounds that night and saw us before our robes made it there. I still don't know how I made Head Boy after that escapade."

Now she was full on grinning, remembering the secret prank she'd pulled on the boy who she knew had been obsessed with her for years.

"Want to know another secret?" She asked. His eyes lit up. He wasn't even mad at her.

"Go right ahead. I love gossip just as much as the next girl." He winked at her, all tension gone from his form.

"I did it because I was upset with you." She dropped her eyes, suddenly regretting saying anything. James reached over, lightly touching her shoulder, then pulled his hand back. She looked back up at him. His brow was furrowed as he watched her, and yet again, he reached up and ran one hand through the dark mess on his head.

"We hardly spoke to each other last year. How did I upset you?" He was sincerely curious, she could tell.

Now she was looking anywhere but at him. She couldn't say it. It was embarrassing and petty, and it would make her look incredibly stupid.

"You're as red as your hair. You have got to tell me." He sounded like he wanted to laugh, and was trying really hard to hold it in.

"Okay. But you can't laugh at me." She sounded like a child, and she hated it. She was staring at her hands now.

"No promises."

She started to get up from her seat so that she could leave and end this embarrassing conversation when he reached over and held her hand just like he had in front of the Owlery.

"I won't laugh. I promise." His voice was much gentler now, the mocking tone gone completely. She sat back down and finally looked at him again. He sat and waited patiently, still holding onto her hand.

"I was upset that you didn't fancy me anymore. All of a sudden, you hardly even looked at me. It was such a change from having you ask me out on a daily basis. It wounded my ego. Taking your clothes because of that was petty and childish, and I'm sorry that you got in trouble for it." The words came tumbling out in a rush, and she could feel more blood flow in her face so she knew she was even redder, and _my_ _gosh _was she embarrassed. This was ridiculous, and worst of all, she'd landed herself in this god awful situation.

But, as promised, James was not laughing at her. He was smiling with such warmth. He looked down at their hands, and then back up at her. "It's quite alright Lily. Detention is nothing. And besides, it's all in the past."

The grace with which he accepted her apology left her speechless.

"You don't have to tell me anymore. It's okay. But I was serious about help with that essay. I'm going up to work on it right now, if you'd like to join me?" He started to stand up, and Lily did the same, wordlessly.

He led her away from the Gryffindor table and towards the doors, and it was then that Lily realized people were staring at them. She knew that James' long, slender fingers were still intertwined with her own, she could feel the warmth his hand radiated within hers. She knew that this was why people were staring. Lily and James had hardly spoken to each other since their fifth year, and back then it was mostly arguing. They'd only had one real conversation before this, at the Owlery, and that hadn't been in public. Now they were sitting together at breakfast, and leaving together holding hands. It definitely must have looked suspicious.

He glanced at her, and noticed her discomfort. "Do you want me to let go? People may get the wrong idea, and I don't want any trouble for you."

She shook her head. "No, that's okay. I told you before that I like it. I don't care if they're staring."

He seemed to like what she said because he smiled down at her as they left the Great Hall and, mercifully, all the staring students disappeared. It was at that moment that Lily realized for the first time since she'd received her mother's letter that she hadn't felt as if it were burning a hole through her pocket. In fact, she'd forgotten about the letter completely.


	3. TwentyFour Rejections

**A/N - **_Ahh! I love how this one turned out. See, James is so much easier for me to delve into! I couldn't help but update, just because I really like this chapter. This isn't going to be a super long fic, but it will be definitely be several more chapters longer than this. There's no exact plot, they're just growing up. It's a struggle, and it's not the happiest story but I wanted to stay true to my vision. I'm not one to throw in fluff, I keep it real guys! Anyway, hope you like this one as much as I liked writing it._

James used to have this recurring dream about Lily. It haunted him for a year and a half, and this dream was largely responsible for his attempts to win Lily's heart. Of course, his attempts started back in their third year and the dream didn't make its first appearance until his fifth year, but it was fifth year when he first got more serious about said attempts.

This dream absolutely shook him the first time he had it. It always started off the same way. He stood before a mirror, in a large, vacant room. He was wearing dress robes and his hair looked tidier than usual, though it was of course still impossibly messy…

_A knock at the door._

"_Yes?" He calls, inviting the person inside. The door flies open and a beautiful red-headed girl sashays in. She's in a floor length white dress, which is gorgeous but only seems to make the girl herself look better. Her red mane is tamed today, up in a loose, elegant up-do. Painted red lips smirk at it him in the mirror, green eyes alight._

"_Muggles say that the groom should not see the bride in her wedding dress until the two are about to say their vows. It's supposed to be bad luck." She pauses, waits for him to turn around and face her. The real thing is even better than the reflection, which he tells himself he's stupid for even thinking because they're supposed to look exactly the same._

"_Well, you came to see me." he responds, raising one eyebrow, inviting her to go on. She takes a few steps closer to him, eyes dancing, grinning wildly._

"_I never set store by superstitions. I make my own luck, baby. And boy am I lucky today." She's close enough to touch him now, and she does. She reaches up to run a soft, slender hand through his hair. "It's never tamed is it? How lovely." She coos softly._

_She's teasing him now, loving the way he's looking at her in her dress. She twirls around for him, asks if he likes what he sees. He tells her of course he does, pulls her in real close until they are tightly wound together. Today, they were going to make it official. He already knew she was forever, knew it the first time he looked at her when they were eleven, and today they would make it official._

"_You know, Mr. Potter, they can't start the ceremony without us." She states. Her eyes are laughing, yet her smile is slight, it's mocking him._

"_What are you saying?" He asks, already knowing half of him will love whatever she says and the other half would be very, very afraid._

_She stands on her toes, kisses him sweetly. "I'm saying they can wait a little longer." She whispers, her lips still on his, smiling into the kiss._

And just when she starts to deepen that kiss, he wakes up, every single time. He's always in a bad mood after having that dream because he's always annoyed with himself for waking up just when it was getting good. For his entire fifth year, not a night went by that he did not have this dream. The day that Lily yelled at him in front of half of the school after he pranked Severus Snape by levitating him from his ankle, he had the dream twice in one night.

It had gotten so bad that the summer before sixth year began, he decided that he would have to bury his feelings for Lily. Yes, bury, not get rid of. He didn't believe that he could ever get rid of them. But he knew he could forget about them if he tried hard enough. It was not good to have this dream teasing and taunting him, constantly a reminder of what he wanted and could never have.

Essentially, he sort of gave up on Lily Evans. She was bright, and beautiful. She was vibrant and _alive _in every sense of the word. And after fifth year ended, he believed that she would never, ever be his. It hurt too much to keep trying only to be rejected. But it was the dream, which only let up a few months into sixth year, that pushed him to call it quits. It tormented him, and he didn't tell a single soul about it. Not even Sirius. Sirius would have called him a pansy.

He once considered telling Remus about it, because Remus wouldn't judge him for it. He'd even gone as far as following Remus to the library, on the pretense of revising with him but in the end decided to keep his dreams to himself.

Sixth year, he had a plan. It was the "do not, under any circumstance, look at her" plan. He was convinced that if he looked at her as little as possible, then maybe he'd get over her. Because, he had to admit, if he got caught up in her porcelain, freckled skin, her cute button nose, the way her lips twitched slightly at the corners before she released peals of bell-sounding laughter, well, then he would never be able to move on.

Some would say he was ignoring her. But he'd have to disagree. They weren't really friends, not even acquaintances. She wouldn't notice his lack of attention after a while, so he wasn't really ignoring her. To his slight disappointment, she'd ignored him right back. He supposed that if he hadn't spent three years trying to get her to go out with him, she would've ignored him anyway.

They never spoke, except in Potions where Slughorn seated them next to each other. Sometimes he'd have to awkwardly ask her for some bat wing powder or she'd have to mumble that his elbow was digging into her side when he stirred his cauldron. It had been an agonizingly long year.

His lack of Lily love didn't go unnoticed though. Whispers flew whenever he was around, and probably when he wasn't, that he must have fallen for someone else. Others said that she must have burned him badly that summer and so he had to give up. This one was as close to the truth as it got. The daily James and Lily routine in the common room had become so normal that when he stopped asking her out every morning and every evening, it was hard for people not to take notice. It seemed like everyone had noticed, everyone except for Lily.

His friends were concerned more than anyone.

"Something definitely happened. Come on mate, you tell us everything." Sirius had begged and pleaded that James let him in on his secret.

"There's nothing to tell. I realized I was wasting my time on her." He knew this sounded mean, sounded like he realized he was too good for her instead of the other way around. He backtracked. "I just don't have a chance. So why bother anymore, you know?"

They left him alone after that.

His life had shifted gears that year. He was still immature, especially when he was around his pals, but something was different. He was growing up. He left Snape alone now, hardly sparing him a passing glare. He finished all his coursework on time and, except for that one time when they got caught without their robes, he cut down on all the detentions.

But now, his life was shifting gears yet again. He knew it, he felt it deep down as he stared at the former star of his dreams as she read over his Transfiguration essay. It was a brilliant essay, he knew that already. He really got Transfiguration, all the Marauders did. Each one was an animagus, with the exception of Remus who was close enough anyway.

She looked up at him once she was finished, a smile forming. "James, this is really excellent. Spot on." She shook her head, the smile very apparent on her lovely face now. "You don't have to change a thing, in my opinion. So why did you say you needed help with this?"

If this conversation had happened two years ago, he knew that Lily would have been suspicious that this was just another ploy to get her alone so he could ask her out. Not that he'd minded doing it in front of everyone, sometimes even their own teachers. Slughorn always found the pair of them highly amusing. But now, she was sincerely curious. He knew she still questioned his intentions, but not in a bad way.

He leaned back in his chair. They'd chosen the library because it was quieter, but now James was thinking that he'd love to spend the rest of his free period in a cozy arm chair by the fire in the common room. He studied the girl sitting directly across from him, shot her a wide grin.

"I just wanted to distract you." He said honestly. Lately, he'd been a big fan of honesty. He assumed it was just a natural progression for him, now that he really was maturing.

She smiled kindly, and the smile touched her eyes. She propped one elbow on the table, and cupped her face with her hand.

"What?" He asked, leaning in without realizing he was doing so.

"I'm trying to figure you out. But I really can't. I used to be able to read you like a book. I feel like you're still the same person, in a way, but just better." Her tone was casual enough, but she was looking at him intently.

He shrugged. "Maybe that's just what it is. Everyone has to grow up at some point, Lily." He was quickly liking using her first name, it made him feel as if they were becoming friends. He'd really like it if they became friends.

Her eyes narrowed mischievously, the ghost of the look of trouble she had in that wonderful, yet heartbreaking dream. She leaned in more, and he suddenly felt very self-conscious because she was quite close to his face and he knew she was looking at him, really looking at him.

"It's quite puzzling really. Why the change?" She asked. He knew she was trying to distract herself as well, which he was fine with because it was much better than letting herself sulk in her own guilt like she'd been doing recently.

He took a moment to sift through his thoughts, not sure how to answer her. Again, he decided to be honest, brutally honest.

"You broke my heart." was all he said.

Her eyes widened, and her head snapped up. She leaned away from him. This was not what she had been expecting. Her mouth was slightly open, her eyes looked greener than usual. "Excuse me?" she sputtered.

He leaned back into his chair again and crossed his arms across his chest. "You heard me correctly. You broke my heart. And I realized that it was my fault that it happened because I was immature and made a right arse of myself. Simply put, I learned from my biggest mistake. I learned it was time to make some changes."

She had gone very silent. A thick tension replaced the easy-going nature of their conversation. She was looking down at his essay, but he knew she wasn't reading it. Her eyes, previously alit with curiosity and intrigue had gone blank and dead. Her face went slack.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, she looked back up at him.

"Oh." She said tightly.

Maybe honesty wasn't the way to go. She passed back his essay, gathered her things, and stood up.

"Lily, don't go." His voice was kind. "What's wrong?"

She paused, turned to face him again. And this time he saw that her eyes were wet. He looked at her carefully and noticed for the first time that her collarbone jutted out more than usual these days. Had she even been eating properly? Was she that unhappy?

Just when he was about to repeat his question, she spoke. Her voice was quiet, even. An obvious attempt to remain composed.

"I was your biggest mistake?" Her voice wavered on the last word, going up an octave.

He grimaced, understanding dawning on him. "I didn't mean it like that. Sit back down Lily, please."

"No, thank you." she replied curtly.

"Fine, then I'll stand." He did as he said, walking ahead of her towards the exit. When he realized she wasn't following him, he turned back around. She stood motionless, staring at her own feet. "Come on Lily, let me tell you something I haven't told anyone."

And despite how mad she clearly was, her intrigue got the better of her and she ambled over to him. They walked in silence for a few minutes, not really going anywhere in particular. They wound up outside. It had stopped raining. They walked some more, across the dewy grass, towards the lake.

"You turned me down twenty-four times at this very spot." He said once they'd reached the lake. "Did you know that?"

She shook her head no, choosing to stare out at the lake instead of looking at him. My goodness, she really was beautiful.

"I used to have this dream about you." And for the first time ever, James told someone about his Lily dream. He told the star herself. When he was finished, she looked up at him, but remained silent. "Lily, it killed me to have that dream over and over again. I had to let go, I had to move on. And look at the world of good its done for everyone. I think you and I actually have a chance at being friends now."

"We are friends." Her voice was louder now, more certain. But something in her face was different. She looked sad, and a little bewildered. He wanted to reach out and touch her face.

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." He said, unsure of how to comfort her. He was very flattered that she cared so much, and even more than that, he was shocked.

"S'okay. I hurt yours for years. I think it's alright if you return the favor."


	4. Itching

**A/N- This has been a LONG time coming. To make up for it, it is super long and wonderful, if I do say so myself. Sorry guys, I've been busy with my last few weeks of high school, but summer is upon us! So look out for more long updates.**

* * *

><p>"I need you."<p>

"Huh?" James looked up from the Potions essay he was desperately trying to complete before the coming morning when it was due. Lily was standing before him, looking quite pink. Her freckles stood out very much, and she was staring at her feet.

"That came out wrong. I meant, I need you to come to my sister's wedding with me." She paused, her eyes finally meeting his. "Please?"

He raised a skeptical eyebrow. This could not be happening. "Why are you asking me to take you? You have plenty of other friends." This response seemed to annoy her because more color rushed to her face and she turned away from him, heading towards the portrait hole. He quickly threw down his quill and raced to stop her.

"Lily, wait!" He held onto her gently by her elbow. She reluctantly turned to face him, her lips pursed in a very McGonagall-ish fashion. It was almost comical. "I'm sorry. I didn't say no. I just asked why you want me to go with you."

She sighed, shaking her head. Strands of copper hair danced across her face. James reached over with his free hand, tucking the free strands back where they'd been. She stiffened slightly at his touch but didn't move away or say anything. In fact, she did the exact opposite. She moved a step closer to him. He could practically count her eyelashes, she was so close. James could feel everyone's eyes on them, but he couldn't care less. Lily's face was inches from his own.

She was moving closer now, and he couldn't seem to make his lungs work. He didn't know what she was doing. Surely, she would not kiss him. That was not the type of relationship they had. And just as suddenly as her head had moved closer, it turned, and her mouth was at his ear.

"You're the only one who knows. I'm too embarrassed to ask someone so late notice. It is in two days after all. And I want you there. You won't bother me with questions. You'll just be there." She pulled away to measure his reaction. Her breath had tickled his ear while she'd spoken.

He grinned. "Yeah, I understand. Of course I'll go." He released her elbow. She frowned, seeming to dislike the ending of his touch. She looked back up at him.

"Thank you." This time, she smiled and he could tell it was genuine.

* * *

><p>The next morning, after a hasty packing session, Lily and James were escorted to Hogsmeade station by Hagrid, the gamekeeper.<br>"I love me a good weddin'." He said, smiling brightly through his beard. "I tear up every time."

James flashed him his troublesome grin. "Ever think you'll get married Hagrid?"

Before Hagrid could respond, Lily spoke up. Quick witted and sharp tongued, she had a response on her lips before James even fully finished his question.

"No one's good enough for Hagrid." She stated matter-of-factly. Hagrid blushed scarlet.

"Thank ye Lily, but that's not righ'. They just didn't make young ladies as sweet as you back in the day." He smiled down at her, patting the top of her head.

James snorted. "Lily's not sweet. She's trouble."

Lily's narrowed in contempt as she turned to look at James. "Look who's talking."

He winked at her, letting her know he'd only been teasing her. She smiled, letting him know it was okay. He loved how easily they'd shifted into this newfound friendship of theirs. Their talk in front of the Owlery had only happened ten days before, and they were already attending a wedding together. Some aspects of this friendship were extremely hard for James, like when she'd helped him pack, splayed out across his bed. He tried very, very hard not to look at her as she listed everything he'd need for their weekend away.

Sirius had walked in, and not only did a double take, but a triple take. "My goodness, you two move fast. Going away together already? When shall I expect to see a wedding invitation?" he'd asked, an incredulous look upon his face as he eyed Lily on James' bed.

James and Lily had smiled at each other, enjoying their private joke. The two of them were in fact going to a wedding, but they hadn't told anyone. Most students were calling it a whirlwind romance. They said James and Lily were just itching to get a room somewhere to do the dirty deed, that they'd requested a weekend away. The pair of them hadn't bothered to correct the rumor. Lily claimed it wasn't worth their time, people would believe what they wanted to believe. Personally, James just wanted to pretend that the rumor was true.

"Never thought I'd see James Potter and Lily Evans attendin' a weddin' together. But, then again, Dumbledore himself once told me Lily would come 'round one day." said Hagrid. He seemed to really like the idea of the two of them spending time together.

Lily however raised an eyebrow, and looked up at Hagrid. They'd reached the station. On the way home, they'd be traveling by floo. Dumbledore thought it was unwise to reuse the same mode of transporation in such dangerous times.

"Dumbledore spoke about us?" She asked, disbelief in her voice.

"Yeah, that's righ'. One day, yeh told James yeh'd never enjoy spending' more than two seconds in his company, righ' in fron' o' the staff table at breakfas'. Dumbledore said yeh'd come around." Hagrid responded cheerily.

James eyed Lily carefully, but she didn't react to Hagrid's words. He sensed a feeling of disbelief in the air, but he also couldn't help feeling that if Dumbledore said Lily would change her mind, it just had to happen.

They boarded the train, waving goodbye to Hagrid until they could no longer see him. Lily stretched her legs across an entire seat, her skirt rising to reveal milky white thighs. James turned his face to look out the window, it was the only way that she would not be in his line of sight.

"James?"

"Mmm?" He didn't dare turn to look at her.

"James, look at me when I am speaking to you. It's rude if you don't." So, she had to choose this particular moment to criticize his manners? He reluctantly turned to look at her, but tried to focus on her shoulder, which was safely covered up.

"Yes?" He asked.

"I just wanted to thank you for doing this. I know it was very sudden-" She stopped talking once James started laughing. Why didn't she get it?

"Lily, I don't think you understand. It means a lot to me that we're friends. I wouldn't do anything to ruin it." His laughter had subsided, and his tone was very serious. He meant every word. Lily's lips parted in surprise. Then she smiled warmly.

"You're so different." was all she said. He shrugged, this time choosing to focus on her face. They were quiet for a few moments, neither one of them wanting to break the silence or their eye contact.

Finally, James spoke up. "Do you miss the old James?"

She didn't hesitate for a second with her answer. "Sometimes. But I think it's mostly the attention that I miss. You were great for my ego."

"That was very honest." His voice was appreciative.

"You've been nothing but honest with me. It's the least I can do."

* * *

><p>Lily knew that if she napped on the train, the ride would go by a lot faster. But she just couldn't make herself do it. She couldn't seem to go to sleep. Across from her, James was skimming through the Daily Prophet. He'd been silent for over an hour now, and a nervous tension was beginning to fill their compartment. She wondered if he could feel it too. It was the reason why she couldn't seem to fall asleep, or say more than three words. Instead, she pretended to be revising her Charms notes, while quickly glancing at James every couple of seconds. He hadn't met her eyes in over half an hour and they still had another two hours to their ride.<p>

She couldn't seem to stop watching him, and she knew why. She just couldn't accept the fact that he was her friend. That he was only her friend, and that's all he wanted from her. Friendship. It stung, she couldn't deny it. For so long, she'd been the object of his affection, and now she was anything but that. She couldn't help but wonder what made the transition seem so easy for him.

"Do you fancy someone else?" The words came tumbling out before she even realized she was saying them and not thinking them. She could feel the blood rushing to her face, knew that she must have been redder than her hair. Why did this have to happen? Why did she always ruin absolutely everything?

He folded up the newspaper, placed it to the side of him. Why was he taking his sweet ass time to answer her? The seconds trickled by, and she grew more anxious. She looked down at her hands, saw her knuckles had gone white due to her gripping her quill so tightly.

"No. I haven't fancied anyone since you." He said this in a dull tone. Was he lying? That didn't make sense, he didn't do that anymore. At least not with her. He was telling her the truth. She was suddenly very warm. She shifted uncomfortably, keeping her eyes on him. She hoped that he wouldn't ask her why she was curious about this. It was embarrassing enough at the moment, and lucky for her, he didn't press the subject.

"I'm sorry. That was rude of me." The apology was choked up. It got caught in her throat, felt heavy on her tongue. A part of her wanted to cry for some reason. James stood up, and closed the gap between them. He leaned down, moved her legs away, so that he could sit down next to her. It was all very casual, but she was stunned by the ease with which he touched her.

She crossed her ankles, making sure to give him his space, but he only moved closer to her. He had one hand resting on her knee, and she couldn't help but study the way his shirt clung to his chest. It's not like she'd never noticed that James Potter was good looking. He was just always so annoying, she'd never paid any attention to his looks. But now things were different.

"Lily." He paused, drew a breath, and then continued. "I have liked you very much since the first day that we met. Fifth year, I went insane. And that is because I loved you." He stopped again, measuring her reaction.

Time seemed to stop. She couldn't seem to think coherently. James Potter had loved her. This couldn't be true. They'd only been fifteen. Lily was quite the cynic, and she honestly did not believe that an emotion so strong could exist in the heart of someone so young. But she also couldn't seem to doubt him. Why would he make this up?

He realized that she wasn't going to say anything, so he boldly went on. "I knew I loved you once I started having that dream. I know I was only fifteen, but I knew. And I also knew that you did not feel the same way in the slightest. But Lily, you have to understand something. I can't just throw myself into someone else, when I felt so strongly about you. It's taken me a year to be able to be your friend. It'll take much longer to ever feel that way about anyone else. I'm not even sure that I can." She could tell that this was hard for him. She was even willing to guess that he'd never said this aloud to anyone else. His friends, though they were the most loyal of friends to him, would not understand.

He was very close to her, his hand still on her knee. She took one of her own hands and placed it over his. She watched him carefully, watched as he bit down on his bottom lip, as his head moved closer to hers. She didn't even blink as his forehead made contact with her own, and his nose grazed hers. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, neither one daring to move. Deep inside her, her heart ached for him.

"Lily." His voice was rough.

"Yes?" She squeaked.

"You need to tell me to move back to where I was in the next five seconds, or I really won't be able to move away from you. Do you understand?" She felt his hand tighten slightly around knee. His warm breath tickled her face. She could practically feel his lips moving. "Lily?"

She couldn't speak. This was all happening too fast. They were too deeply connected for people who, up until ten days ago, hadn't spoken for over a year. She felt like she would hurt herself if she hurt him. And this was why she could not kiss him. She wouldn't do that to him. But if he made the choice on his own, then maybe things could be different.

Five seconds had definitely passed, and she knew what was coming. She expected it, and if she were being honest, she wanted it. She wanted to see what it would feel like. He was beautiful, and he was different, and his mouth was just so close to hers.

One of his hands reached behind her head, locking it in place. He moved in, and for the first time ever, James Potter and Lily Evans shared a kiss.

* * *

><p>"I think the train's slowing down." Lily's voice was high and throaty in his ear. He groaned, moving away from her to look out the window. She was right, the trees weren't moving by as fast as they had been before. He turned back to look at her, green eyes vibrant, peach skin now an absolutely beautiful shade of pink.<p>

She reached one hand up, ran it through his hair. "I've always wanted to do that." Her voice was quiet, and he was suddenly worried that he was crushing her lungs. She was on her back, splayed out across one of the seats, and he was right on top of her. He started to move, but she shook her head. "Stay." She ordered.

"Are you sure I'm not too heavy for you?" He asked. Despite how strong everyone had always said she was, she always looked delicate to him. She shook her head no, gently pushing his head back down towards her. Their mouths met for what must have been the millionth time in the last two hours, but James was nowhere near finished with her. He kept things slow and easy, trying to cool down, knowing they'd have to go get their luggage in a few minutes.

"James?" Her lips moved against his unsurely.

"Yeah?"

"Why the sudden slow down?" She sounded annoyed.

He sighed, a throaty chuckle escaping him. "Because the train is going to stop soon, and I'm having a difficult enough time as it is." He lifted himself off of her, sitting in an upright position. She did the same, an annoyed look on her face. She pursed her lips, studying him carefully. When her eyes traveled south, they widened slightly.

"I'm sorry." She said, and he knew she was being sincere. He looked down at his own lap and laughed.

"It's alright Lily. I'd rather get one of these from you than from a dream." He grinned, reaching for the t-shirt that had been thrown on the floor of their compartment in the heat of the moment. He pulled it over his head before he continued speaking. "To be honest, I'm glad the ride's almost over. I don't know much longer I could have held out."

"I'm sorry." she repeated.

He smiled down at her sweetly, reached over to button up her blouse. "Stop apologizing. Don't worry, I won't have any expectations because of this. I get it, things happen. There's been this tension between us for over a week now, and it led to this. I'm not going to propose or even ask you out. No pressure, okay?"  
>He needed her to understand that he was not upset that she hadn't stopped him. They'd barely paused to take a breath over the course of the last two hours, and it had been absolutely wonderful. He knew, as time went on, that he was very close to the point of no return. But he wouldn't dare take things into that area. Once things moved below the waist, it would be more difficult to stop. He wouldn't do that to her, not unless she asked him to.<p>

She returned his smile. "Are you sure you're not upset with me? You've been trying so hard to be a good friend to me."

"I think I was just a very good friend to you." He said, buttoning her last button. His hand moved up, cupped the side of her face. "It's quite alright Lily. We don't have to do this again." He paused, mulling over his own words, not liking how they sounded. But he knew that if this was a one time deal, he'd have to be grateful that it happened and move on.

"What if we did do it again?" She asked, a fresh flush of blood coloring her cheeks. Her skin felt so warm and soft beneath his hand.

"I'm not going to lie. If it happens again, I'm not sure I'll be able to stop. Do you understand?" He tried to keep as calm as possible, but the thought that this may never happen again was quickly making him very anxious.

She nodded her head. "I understand." The train stopped moving at that moment, signaling that it was time to go.

James stood up, opened the compartment door for Lily. She paused in the doorway, their bodies only inches away from each other. "Thank you." was all she said before she walked past him.

Within the first ten minutes of meeting Lily's sister, James understood why it was so hard for her to talk about her. She didn't so much as shake James' hand upon their meeting.

"Oh. Hello." Was all Petunia Evans said before walking back towards her fiancé, who was eying both Lily and James suspiciously, as if he sensed their lack of normalcy. He was quite large for a boy of only nineteen, and seemed to be missing a neck. James found this utterly hysterical, and could not look at Vernon Dursley for too long, afraid that he would laugh and embarrass Lily.

Lily's parents chose that exact moment to come bursting through the door, obvious delight on their faces.

"Lilypad, darling!" Mrs. Evans embraced Lily tightly, then took a step back and studied her daughter carefully.

"I've only been at school a few weeks mother, you'd think it's been three years." Lily said, grinning, the broad smile touching her eyes.

"It doesn't matter! I miss you every day that you're gone." Her mother said warmly, placing her hand on the side of Lily's face. James was heartened by the fact that at least Lily's parents seemed to support her, even if her horrible sister could do nothing but glare.

"And who is this?" Mr. Evans was eying James cautiously.

"This is James Potter. He's a very good friend of mine from school. His family's legendary in-" She paused, catching the alarmed look on Petunia's face. "Legendary in school. Generations of them, you know."

"Nice to meet you James, thank you for coming." Lily's mother pulled James into a hug, and he smiled, glad that she approved.

"Well, we should all go inside for the bridal dinner. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow." said Mr. Evans, leading the way into the dining room.

As they all followed, James catches Lilly's eye, and without hesitation, reaches over and takes her hand. No matter what, he would not let her be sad this weekend.


	5. Rewind

**A/N - I know that it's been a while, but as I explained in my other fic that I recently updated, I only just got a new laptop since the old one died. Anyway, here is another update for you! I know more people read this story than the reviews show, because I can tell by looking at its traffic. I really appreciate reviews, so please, please take a few seconds to let me know what you think! I'm sure you all thought it would be super sweet and wonderful since James and Lily finally crossed the line from new friends, into a possible budding romance. Well, i've thrown you quite the curveball, so please don't hate me. **

Time seemed to move so quickly in the Evans household. James supposed that it had to do with the fact there was a wedding happening the following day. Lily had been running around, trying really hard to help her mother keep things together before everyone showed up the next morning. James made a mental note to never throw a wedding at home, he'd never seen people so stressed out.

For some reason, he had the feeling that Lily was trying to make up for something. Like if she helped enough with this wedding, it would make up for the fact that she and her sister didn't have a good relationship. He watched as she checked over seating charts, made desserts, and even helped pitch the big white tent in the backyard. And, she did all of this without magic even though she was of legal age now. He tried to help as much as he could, but he was virtually useless without magic. Lily's parents didn't mind if he used it, but Petunia sure did, judging by her menacing look any time she caught him using it. He didn't care what she thought of him. He stopped using magic because Lily looked embarrassed every time Petunia got upset when James used it.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you." he said when they finally had a free moment together before bed. She'd come into the spare bedroom he was sleeping in to say goodnight, and he knew it would be his one opportunity to really talk to her during this busy weekend.

Her brow puckered slightly in confusion, until understanding dawned on her face. "You didn't embarrass me at all. My parents think you're quite the laugh. I just always feel like Petunia is judging everything magical, which she probably is, so I try to stay away from it when I'm around her."

"Why do you care, if she's so horrible to you?"

Lily looked confused again, as if she didn't understand his question. She leaned into the doorframe, absentmindedly tucking loose strands of hair behind her ears. "She's my sister."

"That fact doesn't seem to make her go out of her way to care what you think." he points out, feeling just as confused as she looked.

She shakes her head, looking like she can't put her thoughts into words. She stares at him quietly for a moment before opening her mouth to speak. "It doesn't really matter. Petunia and I used to be close. We used to be friends. But magic changed that. I think she was jealous that there was something in my life that she couldn't have. But even more so, I think she was hurt that she couldn't be a part of something that defines who I am. In her eyes, this is something special. And if she can't have it, or share it with me, then she rejects it and opts for normalcy instead." Lily explains.

"And you feel at fault for that?" he continues to prod.

"I know it's not my fault. But I feel like the least I can do is try, even if she doesn't." Her tone suggests that she doesn't want to talk about her sister anymore.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

* * *

><p>The day of the wedding passes by in a slow monotonous blur. Muggle weddings were much more dull than wizard ones, and so James found himself tuning out during the reception once the actual ceremony was over. But this time it really was not his fault, because Lily was hardly speaking to him. He watches her dart around, charming everyone she came into contact with. She really was brilliant at impressing people, not that he thought she really tried very hard. She was currently talking to an older couple, who had previously introduced themselves to him as Lily's aunt and uncle, from her mother's side. She was animated and lovely, and the couple seemed enamored. He found himself jealous that they were enjoying her company and he was not.<p>

"She's even prettier than she was the last time I saw her." James turns his attention from Lily's socializing to a young man standing beside him, also looking at Lily. He was a little taller than James, with sandy colored hair and expressive blue eyes. He smiles kindly when the two of them make eye contact and holds out his right hand.

"James Potter." says James, taking it.

"Daniel Murphy. Nice to meet you. Are you Lily's new boyfriend?" He was very direct, and James appreciated it, even if the question made him uncomfortable.

"No, we're just friends." For some reason, this sounded like a lie. "She just needed someone to go to the wedding with."

"But you like her." Daniel presses. He wasn't asking, he was stating. There was a slight edge to these words as his eyes went back to looking at Lily. Something in expression looked, or rather _felt, _familiar to James.

"You like her too." He points out.

"Yes I do, very much. I moved in next door this past summer and we dated until she had to go back to school." Daniel says all of this nonchalantly, still watching Lily.

"Why'd you break up?" The questions tumbles out of James' mouth before he even registers that he's asking it.

"She was going back to school. Well, that was the excuse that she gave me. But I felt like she was just passing the time with me over the summer, like she knew it wasn't going anywhere." His eyes never leave the sight of Lily as he talks about their fleeting summer romance. "We only broke up about a month ago." He adds. Something about Daniel makes James feel very sad, and very lonely.

"Oh." was all James could say.

* * *

><p>"What time are we leaving tomorrow?" James asks Lily later that night when she comes to say goodnight before going to bed. She looks beyond exhausted, but also pleased, as if she'd achieved her goal for the day.<p>

"Nine in the morning. They're only opening up the fireplace in Dumbledore's office from nine to nine-oh-five, so we can't be late." She replies, starting to turn away from him in order to walk out the door.

"I met Daniel Murphy today." he says, before she is out of earshot. She walks back into the room, an odd expression on her face. She looks apprehensive before she smiles apologetically at him.

"He's a nice guy." She finally says.

"You broke his heart." James says dryly.

"Did he tell you that?" Now there is a slight annoyance in her tone, and she even rolls her eyes.

"No, he didn't. But I'd recognize the 'rejected by Lily Evans' look anywhere. I know it really well." he reminds her. His tone isn't friendly, and he doesn't understand why his anger is flaring up right now. After a tense moment, he realizes that it's because Daniel reminds him of himself. He also starts to wonder if breaking hearts was a Lily Evans specialty. The casual way in which she seemed to have tossed her old boyfriend aside while he continued to nurse a hopelessly pathetic crush on her felt painfully familiar to James.

Lily walks into the room in silence, sitting down on the edge of his bed slowly. "I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, trying to cool off. He turns to look at her. Her silky red mane is slicked back into a ponytail, so he can see her face even better than usual. Her eyes are apologetic, and he knows that she feels bad that he's upset. But he also doesn't miss the look of discomfort that sits on her face, and he also knows that its because she doesn't want this. He's getting too attached and he's letting his feelings resurface and get in the way of something that was not meant to be meaningful. He's suddenly embarrassed and hurt, and silently promises himself that he is through with this. He gave up feeling this way when he gave up on his feelings for Lily.

He looks away from her. When he finally speaks, his voice is quiet and detached. "Goodnight Evans, I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

><p>Lily hadn't missed the fact that he'd called her Evans. It felt foreign to hear. He's called her by her surname since the day he learned it in their first year, and only started using her first name two weeks ago. But she associated the different usages of her name with the different relationships she'd had with him.<p>

She couldn't help but feel hurt by his cold dismissal from the previous night, but she also couldn't say that a part of her felt relieved. It was scary how quickly they'd been absorbed into each other's lives, and it really did frighten her. It was why she tried to distance herself from him during the wedding, trying to avoid anything romantic in nature. She didn't know how to repair the hiccup in their new friendship, but she assured herself that it was just that, a hiccup.

She changed her mind once James came downstairs. He was friendly as he said goodbye to Lily's parents, but he didn't say anything to her apart from "Good morning, Evans."

He went through the flickering green flames, and she followed a few seconds after him. They were greeted by a tired looking Professor McGonagall, who informed them that the headmaster was away for the day, so she would be taking over. She let them go immediately, not wasting any time on idle chit chat about the wedding that she couldn't care less about.

The two walked in silence to the common room. As soon as he climbed in through the portrait hole, James was engulfed in a massive group hug by his three best friends. Lily watched the scene jealously, noting that her girl friends were not around to do the same. She knew they were upset with her for shutting them out of her life recently.

She walked quickly up to her room and dumped her bag on her bed, sinking quietly into the floor, wishing that the loneliness she felt would keep eating at her until there was none of her left.

* * *

><p>She felt abandoned. Yes, that was certainly the word for it. He had abandoned her and she hated him for it. How could he take her in so quickly, and then turn his back on her for the second time since she'd known him? And just like the first time he'd done it, she felt neglected and hurt. Weeks had passed since the wedding and James hardly ever spoke to her anymore. He seemed just fine though, back to his usual self. Lily had to keep remindind herself that he was probably oblivious to her inner turmoil.<p>

As much as he really hated to admit it, she missed him quite a lot. It was stupid of her to feel that way after only properly having him in her life for two weeks. But she felt like she'd been given a taste of something wonderful and it had been taken away from her before she could decide on whether or not she wanted more of it.

She was staring at him in the Great Hall as he read through his Daily Prophet, not that he was paying her any attention back. She watched as a sixth year girl from Ravenclaw made her way over to the group of marauders, clearly calling out for James since his head perked up once she reached the table. Lily looked on as a smile broke out on James' face at something the girl was saying. He nodded his head, a laugh escaping him. The girl looked delighted that she made him laugh. This made Lily very angry. Who was she to be so thrilled that James Potter laughed at something she said? Lily couldn't even remember the girl's name, she must have been inconsequential.

The girl placed her hands on the Gryffindor table, leaning in over it so that her face was closer to James'. Their eyes were locked as she spoke, and James' grin went from casual and easy going to a dangerous smile. He ran a hand through his hair, and Lily was reminded of how she did the same thing mere weeks ago after all their kissing on the train. Had he really forgotten that so easily? She'd thought that it had meant more to him than he'd let on in that moment, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe she'd imagined how intense it was, how positively elated he'd been at their physical contact.

The girl from Ravenclaw was walking back to her table. As she did so, she turned around and shot a suggestive look at James, one that he returned with a wink. Lily was furious. At that moment, she became very aware of the fact that someone had been watching her. She made eye contact with the boy sitting right beside James, Remus Lupin. He had a curious expression on his kind face, and it made her embarrassed that he'd caught her gawking at James. She quickly gathered her things and rushed out of the Great Hall.

"Lily, wait!" He'd gone after. She paused just outside of the grand double doors, wondering if she would regret this later.

"I don't want to talk about it, Remus." She says curtly, starting to walk away again.

"Well, keeping your feelings bottled up certainly isn't doing you any favors. Why don't you tell James how you feel?" he asks her, slightly out of breath.

"Because there's nothing to tell him." She says indignantly.

"I think that you have a lot to tell him. You looked like you wanted to punch Sylvia Sanders in the throat back there." He replies, knowingly. Oh, so that was her name. She couldn't help thinking that it was a stupid name.

Lily grimaces. "How longer were you watching me?"

"Since I noticed you watching him, from the moment you sat down. Lily, if you're upset about whatever's happened between the two of you, then you should tell him. Believe it or not, James is a very understanding lad." She can tell that he's only trying to help, but she knows that this won't get her anywhere.

"Thanks for the advice Remus, but I think things are better off this way." She can't completely hide the lie in her voice.

"I don't think you really feel that way."

"Why does it matter?"

"Because he loved you, Lily. He loved you for years and years and all you did was crush him. You can't blame him for pulling away the moment he sensed those feelings coming back. He just associates them with pain." Remus sounded surprised that Lily had not arrived to this conclusion on her own.

"So what should I do?" She asks, genuinely confused.

"He used to chase you. Maybe it's your turn to chase him."


	6. Irony

**A/N - This one is quite the doozy, guys. I'm sorry about the pacing of it, i know there's a lot to take in. It's not really a happy chapter, but don't fear! I'll make up for it, I promise. Hope you like it, and as always, read and review. Thanks for reading!**

"Hey there."

"Oh, hello." James Potter tries to keep a friendly enough tone to his voice. He smiles pleasantly at the pretty girl before him as she sits down. She tucks a loose strand of her flaming red hair behind her ear, smiling nervously back at him.

"It's been a while." She says.

"Has it?" He says, nonchalantly though he very well knows that it's been exactly two months and two weeks since he's last really spoken to her, the night of her sister's wedding.

His response seems to annoy her because her eyebrows knit together and she scowls at him. "Oh come off it, James, you know it has."

"What's the big deal, Evans? We went a whole year not speaking to each other last year. What's two months in comparison?" Well, two months and two weeks, actually. He hates himself for correcting the time in his head. He shouldn't be keeping track.

"I didn't like it the last time, and I like it even less now." She admits.

"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." he says. Lily frowns and turns to look at the table. She sits quietly for a few moments while he returns to the paper that he'd been reading before she'd sat down.

"That's it?" She finally asks without looking back up at him. "That's all you can say? You're sorry that I feel this way?"

Deciding to play along with what she's doing, he too does not look at her as he speaks. "Yeah, I am. I'm sorry." He can see her rise from her seat in his peripheral vision, but he doesn't turn to look at her until she's safely at the grand double doors of the Great Hall, her back to him.

"Mate, that was brutal." A voice says from behind him. He turns to find Sirius, who has now taken the seat that had previously been occupied by Lily.

"It was not."

"Yes it was. I don't get it. She likes you. You know that she likes you. You've been waiting years for this. Why are you punishing her?" Sirius sounds like he's scolding James, but there's a slightly amused look on his face.

"Well, I think it's kind of unfair at this point. You're not even giving her a chance to explain herself. I don't even think she knows what she's done wrong, actually." Remus had also joined them, taking the empty seat that was across from James.

"That's because she hasn't really done anything wrong. I'm just being a coward." James' answer shocks both of his friends, who exchange a disappointed look before turning their attention back on him.

"So why are you messing around with other girls?" Sirius asks him.

"You do it all the time."

"So what? I'm not in love with anyone. You are. And you're doing all of this stuff to upset the girl that you love." Sirius says, pouring sugar into his tea. "I think you're wasting your time."

"Maybe I actually like Sylvia Sanders." James says, hating that he sounds like a petulant child.

"You do not like her. You just like the idea of liking someone besides Lily." Remus says, rolling his eyes. "Come on, James. Why are you moving backwards instead of forward? What are you afraid of?"

"I didn't think James Potter was afraid of anything." Sirius adds in sing-song voice, a mocking smile playing at his lips. "Go ask Lily on a date, Potter."

"I can't." James says, refusing to look at either one of them.

"Why not?" they both ask in unison.

"Well, I'm seeing other girls now and-"

"And you don't like any of them. At least, not like you like Lily. Whatever happened that weekend you were away, forget it. It's not worth losing the one chance you may have with her." says Remus.

* * *

><p>One week later, as he's walking outside to meet his latest conquest, James sees a familiar sight. Lily Evans is leaning against a large oak tree in the grounds, crying softly into an open Potions book. She's not sobbing as crazily as she was the only other time he'd seen her cry, but there's something similar about this scene. Like something had broken inside of her. Like the time he'd seen her at the Owlery, she looked defeated<p>

He considers walking past her, knowing that his date is waiting for him. He even starts to turn away from Lily, but stops once he remembers what day it is.

"Lily, please stop crying." He says once he's walked over and sat down in front of her. She quiets down momentarily, blinking several times, as if she cannot see him clearly enough. After a few seconds, she resumes her crying. He's at a total loss for words.

"Just leave me alone. You should have no trouble with that, you've gotten really good at it." Her words sting, but he knows that he deserves them.

"I'm sorry, okay? But you shouldn't spend your birthday like this." He says, a horrible sensation in his stomach and in the back of his throat. It was her eighteenth birthday, and she was sitting alone, under a tree, crying. His stomach twists, and his heart aches, and he hates himself for abandoning her.

"Why does it matter to you? Don't you have another one of your daily dates tonight? Go on, don't let me make you late." She says, not bothering to keep the mean note out of her voice.

He sighs, knowing that there's no way he could instantly make this better. "It doesn't matter. I don't care about any of them." He pauses for a moment. "You noticed that I've been going out on a lot of dates lately?"

"The centaurs in the Forbidden Forest have noticed you've been going on a lot of dates lately. You're James Potter, it's _huge _news." She says sourly.

"Lily..."

"How could you do this to me? How could you open yourself up like that to me for two weeks, and then just take it all away without even giving me an explanation? What did I do wrong?" She's crying harder now, with both of her knees tucked into her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around them.

"Lily-"

"I have never felt so alone in my life. I don't have real friends anymore. None of them have spoken to me since I left for the wedding, and I don't blame them, I haven't been the most fun person to be around. But I can't help it. And now it's like you're torturing me with you're constant shifting of girlfriends, and-"

He doesn't know how else to shut her up, so he leans in and kisses her. This keeps her quiet for a few seconds, as she is probably too stunned to say anything. Once the moment has passed, she leaps up furiously, and runs away from him, towards the lake.

"Lily, please wait!" He takes off after her, easily catching up with her.

"You know, life doesn't work like that, James. You can't just kiss someone and expect all of your problems to go away." She yells at him. Her arms are crossed across her chest, and she's staring out at the lake.

"I know, I know. You just weren't letting me say anything, and I've been wanting to do that for weeks now and I sort of just did it without thinking." he says sheepishly, shrugging.

"You can't do this James. You can't play around with people like this. I thought you'd grown up. Now you're just back to your fifteen year old self. And I couldn't stand that guy." She says, voice full of disgust. Her words are harsh, and the comparison to the boy she could not stand hurts his feelings very much.

"I don't know what's wrong with me, Lily. Things were moving so fast, and then I met Daniel, and you didn't say one word to the poor guy at the reception. It just made me think that you'd break my heart all over again, and I couldn't handle that. I'd die if I got to have you and then you left me like you left him. I've been seeing other girls because I thought it would make me forget about you, and because I thought you might realize what you've been missing out on." He admits. He feels lighter now, that he's finally told her how he feels.

This has the opposite effect on Lily. Her eyes narrow practically to slits, and she looks very, very pale making her freckles stand out a lot. She bites down on her bottom lip. James is suddenly very scared, as the only time he's seen her this angry was when he'd levitated her old best friend in front of the entire school. That had not been a good day for them. A breeze rippled by, blowing her lovely hair lightly around her face.

"So, instead of talking to me about all of this, you just chose to cut me out of your life. And then you decided to try and make me jealous. You chose to intentionally hurt me." Her voice is so angry that he is genuinely afraid of her at that moment. He notices her hand move towards her wand, which is peaking out of the pocket of her robes.

"Well, when you put it like that, it sounds like really bad, but-"

"You haven't changed at all, James Potter. You're as big of a shithead as you were two years ago. Just stay away from me." She says, taking off towards the castle. He watches her running away from him, slowly realizing that he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life.

* * *

><p>"Whatever happened to you and Lily Evans?" Sylvia Sanders asked James, the night before the winter holidays would officially start. They were both sitting at the long window seat in the library, overlooking part of the snow-covered grounds.<p>

"We were never together." he says blankly, trying to avoid expressing any emotion at the sound of her name.

Sylvia raises one eyebrow, and then shakes her head. "That's not what I heard. You went away for a weekend together."

"We were friends, she needed a friend to take to her sister's wedding. That's all." This time, he can't completely hide the impatience in his voice.

"Why aren't you friends with her anymore?" Sylvia presses.

"Why is that any of your business?" James snaps. He startles her so much that she nearly falls off her seat, not expecting him to address her so rudely. He knows that he's hurt her feelings, but he can't bring himself to care.

"James, I'm sorry." Sylvia says finally. Instead of softening up at her apology, it only annoys him more. Why was she so pathetically wrapped around his finger, she should stand up for herself. He looks at her, wondering what he was doing sitting here with her in the first place. She was a pretty girl, with very blonde hair and dark blue eyes. She had a very flirtatious smile, and James knew that she liked him a lot. But she just wasn't who he wanted her to be, and neither were any of the other girls.

"It's fine. It's just a touchy subject." He says, putting an end to that particular conversation. But, bless her determination, she presses on into even more dangerous territory.

"Well, you fancied her for years, so I understand that it can be a little weird between the two of you. But what about us, James? I know we've agreed to make this anything serious, but I'd really like it if we went out. You know, just me and you. Like, be exclusively together." She smiles her flirty smile, an attempt to seem confident, but James knows that she is nervous.

"You're asking me to be your boyfriend?"

"Yes, James, I want you to be my boyfriend." She sits and waits eagerly for his answer.

He sighs, leaning his had back against the wall. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he sees an all too familiar figure walk swiftly past them. He knows that she's trying to get out of the library before he can see her crying again. He turns his attention back on Sylvia, who doesn't have time to hide her delighted face at the sight of Lily running away from them.

"Did you know she was standing there whole time?" He asks her, rising from his seat. He starts walking away before she can even answer him.

Sylvia's smile falters, as she quickly gets up and walks after him. "James, I'm sorry. I noticed her standing there, but I didn't think she could hear us. I really do want you to be my boyfriend."

"Save it, okay? I know you do, but you didn't have to ask me like that in front of her, just to get under her skin. I'm not your territory, you don't have to mark me in front of her." He doesn't bother to sugarcoat any of his words. "Just leave me alone for a while."

* * *

><p>"I say we just show up, you sweep her off her feet, and the lads and I can stop seeing you acting as depressed as Severus Snaps when he recieves a ninety-nine on a potions exam." Sirius says, bringing his glass of firewhiskey to his lips. They were sitting in James' room, at the Potter household. It was Christmas Eve, and so far, James had spent all of his holidays sulking about what had happened in the library the previous week.<p>

James looks at him, then downs the last of his own glass. "Let's do it." He says. They jump, running through the kitchen until they are forced to come to a stop.

"Where are you two going?" James' mother asks the both of them.

"Out." They say in unison.

"On Christmas Eve? Where could you possibly be going? Everything is closed tonight." She says, the concern beginning to color her voice.

"Mrs. Potter, James has to go tell the girl that he loves that he's been a right arse lately, and he wants to be with her and only her. I think it's a fantastic Christmas present." He's beaming at his best friend's mom, and they both know that she can tell they're drunk and being reckless.

"I don't think now is a very safe time, boys—"

"I have to go. I have to tell her now, mom. You don't understand." James knows that this is a poor argument, but he also knows that his mother a sucker for a good love story and she's known but her sons unrequited crush for years now.

"Are you going to apparate? Where does this girl live?" She asks, finally giving up.

"She lives just outside of London. I know where, I was there with her for a weekend. We'll be back before you know it." James kisses his mother on the cheek, grabs Sirius' arm and the two quickly vanish once they're outside.

"How quaint." Says Sirius, looking the charming little house before them.

"How do I do this?" James asks, for the first time, beginning to panic. Dread begins to set in, and he's suddenly reminded of the many, many times that she has turned him down.

"You used to ask her out twice a day, fearlessly. Why are you so afraid now?" Sirius asks him.

James turns to look back the house, starting to walk towards the front door. "Because, it means something more now. If she says no now, then it's really over. This is our last chance, after all this years. This time, it counts more than all the other times combined." He takes a deep breath, hand raised to knock when he says Sirius dart around to the side of the house.

"Hey, James, come here. You can see her whole family from this window." He sounds as if he is on the verge of giggling, and James wonders just how much his pal has had to drink that night. He turns back to stare at his outstretched hand, frozen in place in front of the door. He's surprised that the family inside can't hear his heart beating. He drops his hand, and decides that it's probably not a good idea to just leave Sirius out here by himself. He walks quickly over to where Sirius is still peeking through the large window on the side of the house.

Inside, sitting around a large table was Lily's family. Her parents sat side beside, laughing very loudly at something in front of them. They all looked to be playing some sort of muggle board game. Way off to the side, sat Lily's snotty sister Petunia, and her large husband Vernon, whom James thinks has grown quite a bit larger since the last time he's seen him. The pair of them look very unwelcoming and out of place in what would have otherwise been a very warm, family setting. Sitting closely by her parents was Lily. She had her pretty hair tied back, and her cheeks were very flushed and rosy from all her laughter. She was beaming up at a boy whom James recognized as Daniel Murphy.

"Sirius, that's the bloke Lily was dating this summer, before we got back to school. That's the neighbor that I met at her sister's wedding." James whispers.

"I'll kill him for you." Sirius whispers back, his eyes also glued to Lily and Daniel. As the two friends watch, Daniel leans over and whispers something in Lily's ear. She throws her head back in a laugh so loud that even they can hear it from outside. She goes in to give Daniel a kiss on the cheek, but he turns his head around so that their lips meet instead. It takes a couple of seconds before Lily moves away, smiling warmly at him.

James wants to die. He wants nothing more than to die right there and never have to see this moment replay in his head again. He's frozen outside her window, and he's not processing any of the words that Sirius is saying to him. He came all the way here to tell her how much he loves her, how much he wants to be with her and only her, and she'd moved on just as quickly as he'd expected her to.

"James, mate, don't be upset. You don't know the full story, just go talk to her." Sirius tries to be the voice of reason, but James knows it's too late for that now.

"I am never going to talk to Lily Evans again."


	7. Of Course

**A/N - I can't tell if this where I want to end this story, or not. I will most likely do one more chapter, kind of going back to let you guys see how Lily came to the decision that she comes to in this chapter. Anyway, if you haven't been able to tell from this story, or from any of my other stories, I don't do fluff. I don't throw the characters a happy bone until I've mangled their hearts so much, that some fluff is much needed. Now, this not a very fluffy chapter, but I really, really hope that this makes up for the last one. **

She was _so _nervous about this. She'd been looking for him all day, but had no luck in finding him. Part of her was sure that he just hadn't arrived back to school from his house yet, and the other more paranoid part was sure he was avoiding her.

Lily Evans just about gave up on looking for him as she walked into the Gryffindor common room for the millionth time that day. But, lo and behold, there he sat, amongst his three closest friends. Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin looked to be in the middle of a game of Wizard's Chess, one which Peter was hopelessly losing. Sirius was napping in an arm chair, looking more peaceful and less dangerous than Lily had ever seen him in her life. The boy whom she'd been looking for all day was sitting on the floor beside Peter, trying to whisper hints into his ear, as Remus scolded the both of them for cheating.

"James." she calls as she reaches their little area. All of them, minus the sleeping Sirius, look up at her. Peter looks beside himself with excitement, as he looks from Lily to James and back again. Remus just looks tired. Lily always thought he was the most wary looking teenager she'd ever seen.

"Hi." Says James, his face impassive.

"I really need to talk to you." The nerves that had been replaced by the relief in finding him, had returned. She smiles, trying to show that she means no harm. He does not return her smile. He continues to look up at her, no decipherable expression on his face. "James, _please._" She pleads.

"Alright." He stands up and walks towards the stairs that lead to the boys dormitories.

"Up there?" she asks.

"Yes, up there. Let's just make this quick." His back is to her, but she can tell that he is annoyed. And for the first time ever, Lily has to admit that he has every right to be.

Once they reach his room, he plops down on his bed, turning to face her. She doesn't know how to start this up, so she goes for the first thing that comes to mind.

"How was your holiday?" She asks. She's aware that she's awkwardly standing in front of him, both hands clasped in front of her, but she just can't make herself sit down next to him.

"Eye-opening." Was his only response.

"James, I have something to tell you." She pauses, questioning if it was too late to turn back now. But the thought of going the rest of her life not knowing how this would have played out was much more unbearable than the embarrassment that was flooding her system at the moment.

"Go on." He says, sounding almost bored.

"I want to be with you." She says, simply. She could immediately tell that this was not what he'd been expecting. His expression noticeably changes from annoyed, to almost comically surprised. He looks at her for a few seconds, then shakes his head in confusion.

"What?" he asks, standing up and walking towards her. He keeps a couple of feet of distance between them, but their now closer proximity is enough to make Lily even more nervous.

"You've done a lot of growing up, and this year it was my turn. I've been trying so hard to blame you for the way I've been feeling, but I can't do that anymore. I can't push you away and then expect to you keep sitting around and waiting. You did that for years, and it's not fair to expect you to keep doing it." She stops here and waits for him to say something.

"I pushed you away first." he says.

She nods her head, remembering the night of Petunia's wedding when things first started to go sour. "I know you did, and I was so angry and hurt by that. But, I handled it badly. I moped and I sulked, instead of fighting for you like I should have. I just wasn't brave enough to do that yet. But I am now, if you'll have me."

He's quiet for what feels like the longest minute of Lily's life, clearly thinking over what she'd just said. Lily's palms are sweating, and she's pretty sure her face, her cheeks especially, must be beyond red now. This was really it. She'd never thought that she'd ever be in the position of asking James Potter out. Why had they been wasting so much time? She'd been missing his presence in her life for so long. She realizes that she's been missing him since last year, when he'd first disappeared from her life. Maybe she'd liked him all along. But they were almost out of time now, and she feared once they left school, he'd move on to someone else, if he hadn't already.

He's still quiet, as he walks back to his bed and sits down. He doesn't break eye contact with her once he sits down, and it makes her feel like he's looking right through her. For some reason, she feels naked, as if he can see all of her. It doesn't help that thinking about James seeing her naked just makes her even more red. He'd never want to date a tomato like her.

"Why?" he asks her.

"Why, what?"

"Why do you want to be with me? You've spent six and a half years doing everything you could to not be with me. Why have you changed your mind?" He sounds calm enough, but she can tell how much she'd hurt his feelings over the years. This thought makes her sad, and she wishes she hadn't messed up so badly with him.

The words rush out of her mouth, and this question seems to be the easiest question she's ever had to answer. "Because I like you, James. I like you a lot. Because when I see you, I hope that you'll walk over and say something, anything just so we can talk. Because I smiled more with you in those two weeks of friendship than I have with anyone else. You're honest with me, and I know that I'm safe with you. You quote _Quidditch Through The Ages, _which I always found really funny even though I called you a prat whenever you did it. You do that thing, where you run your hands through your hair pretending that you're trying to make it tidy, when you're really trying to make it messier because you know it makes you look even more boyish and charming. And yes, James, you are _so _charming that it's kind of hard not to always want to be around you. Because snogging you on that train was just about the best two hours of my life." She pauses, takes a deep breath. "I want to be with you because you're James, and I'm Lily, and it's about bloody time this happened."

He stands up, and before she even knows what's happening, he's lifted her off the ground and is twirling her around She's laughing more than she has in months, and he's grinning when he puts her down in front of him. He puts his hands on either side of her face and pulls her in for a kiss. Before their lips touch, he pulls back for a second.

"What about that bloke, Daniel?" He asks.

Lily shrugs. "He's not you. He never will be."And that's all it takes for him to kiss her. He pulls away, and grabs her hand, practically flying down the stairs. "James, what are you doing?" she asks, terrified that they're going to fall. Once they're back in the common room, she can see that Sirius is awake and flirting with some fifth year girl who is sitting on his lap, while Remus and Peter continue to play their game. Everyone in the common room looks at James and Lily.

She can tell he'd been hoping to pull his friends aside and tell them the good news, but she had a better idea. After all, she really owed him for all the times she'd turned him down. She turns to James, beaming at him.

"James, will you go out with me?" she says, loudly enough for the whole room to hear. He wraps an around her waist, pulls her in for another kiss. Plenty of wolf whistles break out as they kiss, and Lily is surprised when she even hears some people clapping.

"Of course." He says.


End file.
